Graveyards and Gardens

Each day I take slow, calculated steps – with my arms outstretched on either side, breathing deeply, eyes fixed just ahead of me – putting one foot in front of the other. It feels like I am traversing a tightrope a thousand feet in the air. Some days I feel as though a strong breeze will knock me off kilter and into the depths below.

I take another breath and wipe a tear away. Maybe taking a plunge into the deep wouldn’t be so bad, revisiting what once was–my dreams, my lost loves, my vices. They once made me happy, hopeful, numb. Feeling nothing sounds easier than feeling… just feeling right now. If I go there, will I be able to find my way back?

Perhaps, but I can’t think that way. “Lord, I need you.” Breathe… focus… step.

Eyes closed I whisper, “O my God, in you I trust…teach me your paths” (Ps. 25:1-4).

I open them to see my feet planted on a stony path. I feel the warmth of the sun on my face. Another deep breath brings in a sweet armona. I can see some bright colors far off – a future, a family, joy.

Do I have the strength to get there? I gaze to my side. A dark expanse of stones and wasteland. While there lays no life, I catch a few inscriptions, “conditional love,” “career,” “vanity,” “failed goals,” “lost hope.” My heart quickens, I begin to panic as the wind picks up.

I close my eyes and lift my arms up again. “Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge.” I crouch down and place my hands on the ground for balance. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed” (Ps. 57:1).

Tears streaming down my face, I repeat the prayer… in you I take refuge until the disaster has passed.

After some time, I hear a chirping above. Quivering I look up to see a blue jay soaring through a ray of light. I take a breath and stand. With my eyes fixed on the bright colors in the distance, I take a step, and then another. Each one feeling slightly easier than the last.

I choose more. I choose hope. I choose faith.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strength you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10

Between the graveyard and the garden, there is a road that leads to you.